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Contra/Transcript
[Scene opens with Tails, Dr. Eggman and Earthworm Jim in Sonic's office.] Dr. Eggman: So, Sonic's cool with you in charge while he's in the hospital? Tails: Man, I don't need his permission to do nothing. Though he did want me to call you a fat piece of shit. You're a fat piece of shit. Dr. Eggman: Well that wasn't necessary at all, that was just mean. Tails: Okey-doke! As my first order of business, you two are off to South America and find El Padrino and get us in with his drug cartel. Earthworm Jim: Ooh-hoo-hoo! This sounds exciting! [Scene transitions to Dr. Eggman and Earthworm Jim in ''Contra.] Earthworm Jim: This is fucking boring! Dr. Eggman: What the hell is an El Padrino, anyway? Earthworm Jim: I think it's a deep-fried taco. Dr. Eggman: Well he sounds delicious, but I don't know what he has to do with drugs. [Camera zooms to reveal El Padrino's men pointing their guns at Dr. Eggman and Earthworm Jim.] Dr. Eggman and Earthworm Jim: Fuck... [Scene transitions to El Padrino's hideout, with his guards, Dr. Eggman, and Earthworm Jim.] El Padrino: Am I just coked that out of my mind, or is that a worm and an overweight podiatrist in his underwear? Soldier: Si El Padrino. El Padrino: You have 10 seconds to tell me why you're here before I feed you to Marmosets! And "Marmosets" is not the cute little monkey, it's the name of my anaconda! Earthworm Jim: Well, we work for a two-tailed fox. Who, y'know- Dr. Eggman: Well first, we, we worked for this guy Sonic. He's a, drunken hedgehog? I don't know if you know him- Earthworm Jim: But then he was eaten by the moose and then- El Padrino: Quiet, quiet, shut up! [laughs] You two idiots are kinda funny... Maybe I should keep you around... [laughs] Why am I still laughing?... [laughs] STOP LAUGHING!! [Scene transitions to Sonic's office, with Tails and Sonic walking in on crutches.] Sonic: What the fuck, Tails?! You think you're running the mob family now?! Tails: You snooze you lose, bitch! I got this sucker running like a well-oiled machine! Plus, I got the stapler, it's really good a stapling or mob paper together. Sonic: Alright, I'll admit, that stapler's awesome. But I run the show around here! Tails: Oh, don't worry, I plan on keeping you around, sending you on random jobs, you'll be like Sonic... for hire. [Sonic and Tails stare at the camera.] Sonic: Let's see what the rest of the team thinks about this! Where's Eggman and Jim?! Tails: Oh, they should be back from South America any second now with bags to cash and drugs... all thanks to me! [Scene transitions to El Padrino's hideout where Dr. Eggman, Earthworm Jim, El Padrino, and a bunch of women in bikinis are partying.] Earthworm Jim: THIS IS THE BEST PARTY I'VE EVER HAD! [Earthworm Jim's phone rings and he pulls it out.] Earthworm Jim: It's Tails! Dr. Eggman: Tell him we're never leaving, there's coke on tits! [Scene transitions to Sonic's office with Sonic and Tails.] Tails: Shit. OK, those guys may not be coming back, but I'm staying the boss! Sonic: Fuck that! This is a war... no. A battle... nope. It's fuckin' on! [Ending sequence.]